Game, set, and match. Uncover the effective communication technique that could help you cultivate better conversations, and serve up smoother small talk
A few weeks ago, I was invited to the bowling alley for a friend’s birthday. We’ve known each other for years, but this was the first time I’d been introduced to her school friends and work colleagues, which meant lots of conversations with a new group of people.
In between my attempts at throwing a bowling ball for the first time in 20 years, I found myself engaged in one particular chat that made me feel better than the rest. Questions and answers flowed freely, and the man I was talking to asked me about writing for a magazine, which of course, I was primed to talk about at length.
We bounced off each other’s energy, shared our favourite childhood magazines, and exchanged perspectives about creativity. Little did we know, we were using the ‘ping-pong’ approach to communication.
What is the ping-pong method?
For anyone who struggles with small talk – those dreaded lulls, the awkward silences, overthinking what to say next – this approach offers a simple, but effective, framework you can have in your back pocket to help keep the conversation flowing more naturally. While it’s not an official psychological term, the ping-pong method is a widely used metaphor to explain a back-and-forth exchange of questions and answers between two people.
It’s an easily understood reference to the game of ping-pong, where each player takes turns hitting the ball to keep the game going. When used in terms of communication, it’s about mutual engagement – not one person talking over the other, or sustaining the discussion alone. In the ping-pong approach, the back-and-forth idea presents when one person asks a question, and, after hearing an answer, responds with a related comment or thought before asking another question. As an example:
John: What do you do for fun?
Claire: I volunteer at an animal shelter. What about you?
John: I like to paint, but I also have a rescue dog named Toby who I love to bits! Can I ask what got you interested in working with animals?
Claire: I was an only child, but lived on a farm as a kid. I really connected with the animals, and knew I wanted to work with them from a young age.
Here, John initiated the ping-pong method with a question, which encouraged Claire to open up. In response, John asked something that delved specifically into the subject of Claire’s volunteering work, expanding their understanding of one another, and deepening their connection.
What is this approach good for?
Whether it’s meeting someone new for the first time – perhaps in a new job, being introduced to someone’s partner, or a first date – or simply to help you through small talk scenarios, being aware of this technique could help you approach interactions with a little more confidence. At times when you feel nervous, having the ping-pong approach in the back of your mind can act as a reminder to ask open questions, and use people’s responses as a jumping-off point. Similarly, if you’re talking to someone who’s shy, asking them about themselves can make them feel more comfortable – and being the person to help alleviate their anxiety can make you feel pretty good, too.
The benefits of asking questions
A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that asking more questions – and in particular, asking more follow-up questions – increases the likeability factor of the question asker – noting that speed-daters who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to get a second date. The research also revealed that people have a tendency to talk more about themselves when trying to impress others, but this can have a negative effect. Verbal behaviours that redirect the topic of conversation to yourself, as well as bragging, boasting, or dominating the conversation, tend to decrease likeability, too.
But the benefits of asking questions extend beyond the ego boost of being liked. Studies suggest that patients report higher satisfaction when their medical professional asks more open-ended questions about their experience, as noted in the journal Patient Education and Counseling.
How to use the ping-pong method
When using this approach in real life, the key is to strike a balance between asking relevant, open-ended questions, and also contributing to the conversation – you don’t want to accidentally take an informal chat into ‘interview’ territory. To avoid this, ditch the scripted responses, and ask questions that relate directly to the current topic.
For example, if you’re chatting to an acquaintance at the bus stop, asking them about where they’re going and then shifting gears to talk about their dinner plans probably won’t flow naturally. Instead, you might ask where they’re going, and learn that they’re on their way to an exercise class. Then, you might ask what kind of class, and what they enjoy about it. By asking the right questions and expressing genuine curiosity, the conversation can veer off into other topics, such as jobs, pets, or favourite books, keeping the discussion lively – but natural – for longer.
Not always a winning game
While the ping-pong approach can be helpful, it’s important to acknowledge its limitations. Effective communication involves more than a verbal to-and-fro, with body language, social context, and relation dynamics playing a part in how things unfold.
Psychotherapist Ali Ross notes that the ping-pong method can sometimes feel forced, especially in delicate situations – such as couples therapy – where disjointed communication is worthy of analysis.
“Most of what we communicate is not in the words we speak, but in our tonality, gesticulation, eye contact, and other non-verbals. If free expression and exchange is absent from the dialogue, I rob people (and myself, as a couples’ and relationship therapist) of the most communicative part of dialogue,” he explains. “If one side of the partnership is dominating, talking over, dismissing, or misunderstanding the other, this is all highly valuable information.”
Ali sees the value in more clunky styles of communication when they can be observed in a helpful manner. “Once we trust each other enough, the mood is right, and my clients ‘go for it’, then we have the opportunity to witness and deconstruct what is happening in the struggle, together. I can help the individual parties to understand what they are trying to communicate, notice how close or far off they are to communicating that, and better appreciate what got in the way.”
While the ping-pong method isn’t a magic formula, it can build meaningful connections. By showing genuine curiosity about others and asking thoughtful follow-up questions, you can create space for deeper understanding and mutual appreciation. The technique isn’t here to be mastered, but instead, an invitation to open up to honest connections.
Comments