When romantic relationships end, we often cling on to the habitual connection. But cutting ties completely can sometimes be a healthier way to heal. Here’s how to make it happen…
Going no contact with an ex-partner is often an essential part of the process of ending a relationship. It gives both parties space to grieve the relationship, and move forward in a positive way. However, ‘no contact’ is often easier said than done, especially in the initial stage when the breakup feels very fresh.
“Breaking ties with an ex-partner is more than an emotional decision, it’s a neurobiological process,” says psychotherapist and trauma specialist Tina Chummun. “Research suggests that ending a romantic attachment can, in some cases, be compared to giving up addictive substances, which explains why the early stages of going no contact can feel so unbearable.”
However, when you understand the science behind attachment, withdrawal, and healing, you can take proactive steps to rewire your brain for resilience, keep up the no contact, and feel happier as a result.
Understand the challenge
It can be helpful to understand what’s going on with the chemicals in our brains when we cut off contact. This helps us understand why this process can be so difficult, and to develop self-compassion for ourselves. “In relationships, the brain releases dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin – neurotransmitters that create emotional bonds and a sense of security. When a relationship ends, dopamine levels plummet, leading to withdrawal symptoms akin to substance dependence,” Tina explains. It sucks, but it will pass.
Identify and name your fear
One of the main reasons why no contact often feels so distressing is because it activates the part of the brain that is to do with primal survival mechanisms. “The amygdala, the brain’s emotional alarm system, reacts to rejection as if it were a physical threat, which then triggers a stress response,” says Tina.
Naming emotions in a clear way can be really helpful here. “For example, when we say something to ourselves like ‘This is the pain of rejection; this is not danger,’ it will activate the prefrontal cortex, calming the amygdala,” Tina suggests.
We can say these phrases in our head, out loud, or write them down so that the message is really clear. Repetition is key, so saying or writing them multiple times can be very effective, as well as doing the repetitions every day.
Break the pattern
In order to successfully break the pattern, Tina emphasises it’s important to minimise triggers that reinforce the dopamine loop. “Removing social media connections, deleting messages, and establishing structured daily routines help break the reinforcement cycle,” she confirms. The longer you can go without making contact, the better, and the longer you go, the easier it will get.
Calm the nervous system
The trauma of the end of a relationship can lead to anxiety as the body enters fight-or-flight mode. When we are in this heightened state, we are more likely to reach out to our ex. As an alternative, try techniques to calm the body and mind. “Engaging the parasympathetic nervous system through yoga, slow breathing (breathe in for three, hold for four, and breathe out for five seconds), and cold exposure, lowers cortisol and stabilises emotions,” Tina recommends.
Regain control
When trying to go no contact, many people struggle to keep it up, despite knowing that logically it is the best path for them. It can be easy to go round in circles convincing yourself that it’s a sensible decision to make contact, even though you previously decided it was the right thing for you not to. Tina says this is because the prefrontal cortex governs logical thinking and impulse control, and this is weakened by emotional distress. One helpful technique for combating this is to use journaling when you’re tempted to reach out. “Writing down the consequences before acting can help you resist urges to send that message, or make that call,” Tina advises.
Create new routines
After a difficult breakup, when going no contact is tough to stick to, it’s important to remember that these feelings won’t last forever. “Neuroplasticity – the brain’s ability to rewire itself – ensures that emotional wounds are not permanent. Over time, old neural connections fade while new, healthier pathways form,” Tina points out.
One of the most effective ways to encourage this process is by opting to engage in activities that reinforce new neural pathways, such as learning a skill, travelling somewhere new, or deepening your social connections. As an added benefit, doing these new things help to build confidence, which will reinforce your ability to keep up the no contact rule. Plus, by concentrating on yourself, the less power your ex will have over your time and energy, meaning the craving to reach out will naturally fade.
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