Exhausted from always trying to do the ‘right’ thing? It could be ‘moral perfectionism’…

It’s good to want to do the right thing… right? Maybe you’re always nice to your co-workers, then the second you say something slightly critical, you profusely apologise or want to crawl into a hole. Perhaps you beat yourself up for an hour after throwing away plastic that could have been recycled. Maybe you’re so forgiving to your tetchy boss that it’s wearing you down. Whatever the situation is, you may feel like you have to do the ‘right’ thing 100% of the time – and if you don’t, you might find that feelings of self-blame and guilt overwhelm you.

Wanting to act in a way that’s aligned with solid morals is arguably a good thing – and according to a 2019 BBC survey, 70% of people in the UK believe a moral framework is important. However, taking it too far – AKA being a moral perfectionist – can come with the added fear of being perceived as a ‘bad person’ by others.

What is moral perfectionism?

You know what perfectionism is: that incessant need to do something (maybe everything) without mistakes. How it shows up for each individual is unique – it may look like beating yourself up after forgetting to send an attachment on an important work email, or cleaning your home until it is immaculate. Moral perfectionism, on the other hand, is about wanting to do the right thing, the just thing, and the accompanying worry or panic that comes from being seen as a bad person.

For example, you may spend hours ruminating about the implications of a minor comment you made to a friend, worrying if it was offensive or hurt their feelings. You might feel shame when you’re the only person in your yoga class using a plastic bottle instead of an eco-friendly alternative. You might even find yourself in financial straits because you’ve loaned money to someone in need, even when you couldn’t really afford to.

Coping mechanism and avoidance

Being morally right can feel great. Shopping sustainably to help the planet, supporting mutual aid funds, or attending protests that lead to positive change can feel empowering. “For some, moral perfectionism can act as a coping mechanism, helping them channel their energy into meaningful actions and become better individuals,” says Anna Lewandowska-Bernat, a BACP-registered integrative psychotherapist. For example, maybe your depression has caused you to feel poorly about yourself, so you spend a lot of time volunteering. Or maybe you feel anxious about the state of the world, so you participate in grassroots organisations.

Moral perfectionism can even stem from places of trauma and pain. For example, someone who was physically disciplined as a child may obsess over being ‘good’ as a way to avoid the risk of being hurt again.

But even when it comes from a caring place and helps others, Anna is wary of labelling moral perfectionism as a good thing. “Saying that moral perfectionism has positive effects is risky – just like claiming that alcohol or drugs have benefits,” says Anna. “It can serve as a rationalisation, allowing someone to avoid facing the real issue.” Plus, like other kinds of perfectionism, it can become a harmful obsession.

Because moral perfectionism can look like a good thing, it’s hard to spot. We may tell ourselves we’re just trying to be better people when, in reality, we’re hurting ourselves in the process. “It’s a form of tough love we impose on ourselves, and justifying it as something positive is like saying ‘I’m harsh (or even emotionally abusive) towards you because I love you,’” adds Anna. “That’s not OK.”

How to spot moral perfectionism, and when it’s harmful

While moral perfectionism can be tricky and insidious, some common warning signs exist. According to Anna, those include:

  • Emotional distress (increased anxiety, guilt, shame, self-blame, anger, loneliness)

  • Depression and burnout (exhaustion, a lack of motivation, emotional numbness).

  • Social withdrawal.

  • Viewing mistakes as unacceptable failures.

  • No longer enjoying hobbies and activities you used to, because they don’t align perfectly with your morals.

  • Feelings of compulsion and obsession, in which you spend excessive time, energy, or money on pursuing moral perfectionism.

Tackling this as soon as possible can make the ‘recovery’ process easier. “Like any unhealthy coping mechanism, perfectionism reinforces itself,” explains Anna. “Repeated behaviours become ingrained, making them harder to change.” Without this effort, says Anna, you may risk emotional suppression, social isolation, financial burden, psychosomatic symptoms, chronic fatigue, and burnout.

So, how do you break free from moral perfectionism? Thankfully, Anna is able to share several options you can explore.

Acknowledge the problem

Start observing when moral perfectionism shows up for you. This might be the urge to constantly apologise, excessive guilt after a small error, or black-and-white thinking about what’s right and wrong.

Dig a little deeper

On the surface, moral perfectionist urges can feel like scratching an itch. But does it take over your life? What do you lose and gain? Keep a thought journal to observe the emotional impact. “This kind of ‘balance check’ helps clarify whether perfectionism is truly serving you, or causing harm,” explains Anna. “If your anxiety is high, and you’re losing joy in life, it’s a sign that deeper work is needed.”

Manage anxiety and stress levels

This is easier said than done, but addressing the symptoms of moral perfectionism can pave the way for making different choices. Try out different tools like meditation, breathing exercises, physical activity, progressive muscle relaxation, and even crafting to soothe overthinking.

Work on self-esteem

When you berate yourself for not being perfect, it’s likely to negatively impact your self-esteem. To bring more balance, try giving yourself credit for the good things you have done by listing them.

Other ways to build self-esteem include actively prioritising your needs, gently pushing out of your comfort zone, and focusing on your positive qualities. Working with a qualified therapist or counsellor can help you question deep-rooted beliefs related to your self-perception, and make it easier to let go of perfectionist tendencies.

Taking these steps can be scary, but balancing your wellbeing with your morals is a new skill that will help in the long run. Just remember these words from Anna: “Moving away from perfectionism isn’t about giving up on doing good – it’s about learning to do good without anxiety, self-criticism, or fear.”