Dating isn’t just for couples – make a date with yourself, and rediscover who you are
Alongside work, chores, family commitments, and socialising, how many of us prioritise time alone? Introverts may crave it, but feel guilty for neglecting their responsibilities, while extroverts might view a solo outing as a sign of social failure. But, according to research, spending time by ourselves now and again is essential for our own wellbeing; a 2023 study, by the University of Reading, found that periods of voluntary solitude (being alone by choice) resulted in reduced stress, and a greater sense of freedom.
In the same way that couples date to enjoy each other’s company and deepen their bond, ‘dating’ yourself is all about indulging in your own interests, without compromise, in order to reconnect with your true self. Here’s how to plan the perfect time alone, whatever your needs and personality.
Place value on solo time
Don’t view a solo date as a luxury – treat it with the same importance you would any other appointment. “In a culture that praises productivity, it’s important to restore ideas around both play and rest,” says Claire Fitzsimmons, a certified emotions coach practitioner.
“A solo date might be something fun and engaging, or it could be oriented towards peace and calm – both have their place, but are often pushed aside by the need to ‘do’, rather than be or feel. Time alone reminds us to nurture the aspects of life that feel good, rather than waiting until a holiday in order to finally pay attention to ourselves.”
So, go ahead and schedule a date in your diary. Sticking to those time boundaries helps you place value on the event, plus, you can revel in anticipation of your upcoming solo treat.
Drop the guilt
It’s common to feel selfish, and subsequently guilty, for prioritising time alone when you have other responsibilities, but it can make you more effective at work and a better parent. “Reframing solo dates as healthy and restorative, something that gives back to you and those you care for – such as being a calmer, happier parent – is a form of self-permission,” explains Claire.
“Parents often hide ‘me time’ away apologetically, but I recommend getting your kids involved by creating a list of activities together, then feedback on how it made you feel afterwards. When others see how you care for yourself, they’ll learn the value of caring for themselves, too.”
Overcome boredom, embarrassment, or FOMO
Psychotherapist and author Eloise Skinner says that while some people might feel a welcome sense of peace and self-connection on a solo date, others may experience negative emotions – particularly if the date involves an activity that is typically done with others, such as attending a gig or dining out. “Nerves could be a big one for many, even embarrassment or feeling self-conscious,” she says. “Some people may experience boredom or FOMO, and check their phone to get a sense of connection to others.
“The most important thing is to be aware of these emotions, and reflect on why they might be arising. For example, do you feel nervous because you think people are judging you? Challenge that assumption, and question whether it’s based in reality. Then replace it with a more helpful thought pattern, such as ‘People aren’t judging me, they’re thinking about their own experience.’”
Match date activities to your mood
There’s no one else to please but yourself, but what should you do on your date? Eloise suggests your extrovert or introvert tendencies are your guide: “For an extrovert, a good solo date might incorporate solo time within a group setting, such as a fitness class or art workshop. The presence of others allows social needs to be met, while also providing space and time for personal reflection. For an introvert, a solo date could involve their favourite activities without the need for interaction, such as a long walk or run to a new coffee shop.”
Claire recommends responding to your current mood. “Create your solo date around the feeling you want to invite in. If you’ve been feeling a bit flat, do you want to seek out wonder? If you’re feeling anxious, is there something calm to do?
“Default date ideas might be a movie or meal alone, but if you need more awe in your life, perhaps a visit to a museum is more rewarding. Get creative and shift away from what you feel pressured to do, to what you’re curious about. The fun thing about solo dating is that you don’t need to sell an idea to someone else – it’s entirely about what you need in your life at that moment.”
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