Are you chasing positive vibes, or simply running away from the truth?

Whether it’s daily meditation, reading tarot cards, or working with a Reiki practitioner, finding a connection to something greater than yourself can do wonders for your mental health. In one literature review, published in Depression Research and Treatment, 61% of studies found less depression, faster recovery, or better coping among people with higher involvement in religion or spirituality.

But what if always looking on the bright side, or trying to manifest your way out of a dire situation, could do more harm than good?

What is spiritual bypassing?

Coined in the 1980s by American psychologist John Welwood, the phrase is based on his suggestion that while most people seek enlightenment to heal some sort of psychological wound, sometimes, they unwittingly use spiritual practices as a substitute for facing the wound itself.

Psychotherapist, Gigi Kaur, explains: “We are essentially avoiding discomfort and negative emotions. We’re really saying, ‘I don’t wanna tap into anything that’s low vibrational.’”

What’s the problem?

Spirituality can offer hope, calm, and a sense of connectedness. But it can often be used to mask parts of yourself that you’re not willing to deal with.

John Welwood argued that when spirituality is used to bypass real-life human issues, part of your identity becomes compartmentalised, and remains unintegrated with your overall functioning. Where true healing delivers a sense of peace and acceptance about yourself and the world you live in, spiritual bypassing is a denial of some part of yourself, and the peaceful exterior is a defence mechanism used to avoid the truth.

Signs of spiritual bypassing

One common sign of bypassing is using meditation as a form of detachment to avoid human connection and painful emotions. Although meditation is an incredibly useful tool, it can be tempting to stay in a state of numbness to avoid the natural ups and downs of the human experience. “People who are spiritually bypassing almost have this aura about them that they are ‘higher’ than this, and that they are ‘bigger’ than this,” says Gigi.

Excessive gratitude can be another red flag. Perhaps you’ve tried to focus on being grateful for all that you have, but unknowingly dismissed the genuine problems in your life that need validation and action. No matter what the ‘love and light’ gurus would have you believe, the reality is that true growth is often messy, ugly, and uncomfortable.

Forced forgiveness is another form of bypassing. I once read it was essential to spiritual growth, so I wrote a forgiveness letter to a friend who betrayed me to symbolically ‘release’ the trauma. When it didn’t work, it pushed me further down a path of fake positivity, instead of facing the hurt. Years later, I’m still processing the resentment I have towards her, so, clearly, the pressure to forgive and forget isn’t always a helpful approach.

How to deal with spiritual bypassing

1. Acknowledge good intentions

Remember that this a defence mechanism, and often not intended to cause harm. If a friend encourages you to ‘think good vibes’ when you’ve just found out your rent is going up, they’re likely trying to protect you from spiraling. Simply say thank you, and let them know that your ‘negative’ response is valid, too. Be the one to create space for the fullness of your experience.

2. Stay grounded

There can be a temptation to use spirituality as a form of escapism, but, as Gigi explains, true change happens when we integrate our spiritual experiences into our physical reality: “We have to ground into our human selves, and actually be of this life as well.” Effective grounding techniques include savouring a hot drink, or naming things in your surroundings associated with the five senses.

3. Do shadow work

Because spiritual bypassing is a way of avoiding aspects of yourself you dislike, finding ways to face those parts is essential. Talking to a therapist will offer you a guide who can give you the confidence to do this work. “It’s my job to help you gently unpeel those layers of denial, to find what it is that you’re really afraid to face, that you’re not ready to see yet,” says Gigi. “As a therapist, I really want to hold your hand and shine the light onto the aspects of yourself that feel dark, by providing a safe and compassionate container.