How to support a loved one who’s had a baby

A new life entering your social circle can be an exciting time – but also overwhelming and exhausting, especially for new parents. Here’s a five-step guide to showing your support in this next chapter

A friend or family member having a baby can be a wonderful time, but it also brings lots of change and emotions. While it’s natural to want to support our loved one as they enter this new phase, it can be hard to know how to help. We might worry about saying the wrong thing, especially if they’re struggling, or be unsure of what practical help would be best – or simply how to go about offering it, without overstepping.

To help you to help them, here are five effective ways you can be there for your loved one who’s recently had a baby.

1. Be guided by them

Every birth experience will be unique – whether positive or negative. So, when you talk to your loved one, you may be unsure what to say. “Sometimes people want to talk a lot about their birth experience and the transition to parenthood, and then your role is really just to listen,” says psychotherapist Catherine Weston. Particularly when things might not have been straightforward, unexpected challenges arose, or they are feeling a bit overwhelmed, you may feel stuck for things to say in response, but it’s hard to go wrong with: “It sounds like you handled everything so well, given the circumstances.”

“If you find your loved one does not want to talk, that’s fine, too,” adds Catherine. “Maybe they just can’t face going there again, as everyone has maybe been asking the same questions. In that case, you can help by bringing your own news, gossip, or anecdotes so they can get some relief from the world they have become immersed in.”

2. Gently offer support if they’re struggling

Many new parents struggle with their mental health, and it can be hard to know how to be there for them. “If you’re worried that your loved one might be really struggling emotionally, either due to lack of sleep, anxiety about being a new parent, or even postnatal depression, being open about it and asking them, without judgement, is the best way forward,” says Catherine.

“Leaving any expectations behind, you could say something like: ‘I’ve noticed you mentioned struggling emotionally a lot recently. I wondered if you might be feeling anxious or depressed.’ Then you have named it, but it’s an offer, not a diagnosis, and you’re certainly not telling them how they feel.”

If you’re able to, you could offer to accompany them to a GP appointment either as moral support or an advocate, if they would find this helpful.

3. Look after yourself

“Be self-aware, and play to your strengths,” says Catherine. “If you’ve never held a baby before, probably say that before offering to look after theirs for a day. If you do something as hands-on as helping out at night so the new parents can sleep, make sure you don’t volunteer for a full week, or you’ll end up as exhausted as they are. It’s a cliché, but you can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure you’re not giving more than you have.”

Dynamics might change, too. “Your friend may not call you so much after having a baby. Your sister may get more attention from the new grandparents, and you can end up feeling left out. Acknowledging these feelings is important. With the new addition to the family comes a multitude of losses, and it can take time to get used to this new normal. Give yourself time, if you need it, to grieve for the way things were before.”

4. Proactively offer some help

“It’s truly life-changing to offer to help a new parent with practical support,” says Catherine. This could be anything from cooking some lovely homemade meals for them, looking after the baby while they have a shower and a moment to themselves, or helping with cleaning around the house.

“The golden rule is: never visit with the expectation of being waited on in any way,” emphasises Catherine. “At the very least, you’re the one who needs to be making the tea or coffee, or bringing it with you. Text on the way to say you’re heading to the supermarket before visiting, so is there anything you can pick up for them?” Catherine recommends being proactive, rather than vaguely saying: “Let me know if there’s anything you need.” Instead, be specific about how you can help.

5. Put together a thoughtful care package

Taking the time to put together a care package with lovely things, from delicious food to toiletries and a magazine, shows you’re thinking of them – even if you can’t always be on hand to help in person. Pre-prepared meals will also likely be appreciated by new parents who don’t have the time or energy to cook from scratch. Small gestures like these can make a big difference, and show how much you care.