How to help someone you think may be in an abusive relationship

Learn how to spot the key signs of abuse and to navigate the difficult conversations that follow

There are certain conversations that are not your relaxed, everyday exchanges. One of those has got to be the one you have with a friend, relative, or colleague who you fear may be in an abusive relationship.

Given that one in four women will experience domestic abuse, it’s not unlikely that any one of us could find ourselves wondering if we should be confronting the subject. We may feel worried for a friend’s safety and naturally want to protect them, but also have doubts: ‘What if I’m wrong? What if I’ve totally misread the situation? I’m worried that if I suggest their relationship is unhealthy in any way, I may cause offense, hurt, embarrassment, or ruin our friendship.’

The fact is, many victims of domestic abuse will be suffering in silence. Giving them the opportunity to open up and seek support is vital. Here’s how...

Spot the signs

Not all abuse is obvious, or takes the form of bruises or a black eye. Emotional and economic abuse, for example, are not so easy to spot. If someone is experiencing emotional abuse, such as being constantly ‘put down’ or shamed, they may be withdrawn, feel isolated, or lack the confidence they once had. The telltale signs may include them not wanting to meet up, or not replying to messages.

“If the power dynamic in the relationship seems ‘off’, that could indicate coercive control,” explains Frances Rahman, head of young women and girls services at domestic abuse charity Advance. “For example, if their partner seems to exercise control over who they see, what they wear, where they go, how much money they have, and what they spend it on.

“This could reveal itself by them saying things like: ‘I’ll have to ask my partner. I don’t like to do anything without their say-so.’ Or: ‘Sorry, I can’t. I don’t have the money. My partner looks after our finances.’”

Try to choose your words carefully

So, you’re sure enough to broach the subject. But how? Firstly, it’s essential that you come from a place of non-judgement. It might be tempting to say something like: “The way they spoke to you just now was unacceptable. You can’t let them get away with that.” Bear in mind that your friend might be in a very protective headspace about their partner, and the fallout from this approach wouldn’t be good for them or your friendship.

If your friend is experiencing emotional abuse, their partner may be trying to isolate them from friends and family, which creates further dependence on them and the relationship. They may be telling your friend things like: ‘Why do you see that friend? They’re no good for you.’ You don’t want to inadvertently confirm in your friend’s mind what their partner is trying to make them believe.

Frances says: “Go in gently, and non-specific, with a question like: ‘How are you doing?’ Or: ‘Are you OK? You didn’t seem like yourself the other day?’”

Privacy and patience

It is crucial to speak in private, and in a safe space. Keep in mind that your friend may not open up to you straight away. You may be so worried for them that your instinct is to say: “Right, I’m going to pack a bag for you and you’re leaving now.” This may not be what they want, especially if coercive control is involved in the abuse. This form of domestic abuse can leave the victim/survivor feeling dependent on their abuser, incapable of living without them.

Leaving an abusive partner is a process. It can take time for someone to recognise that they are being abused, and even longer to make decisions about what to do. According to Refuge, it takes an average of seven attempts before a woman is able to leave an abusive relationship for good.

Your role

Your role as a friend is to be there, and to let them know that. The hope is that they will get to the point where they are ready to take the next step, and you can help them do that.

Try asking: “Have you thought about speaking to someone? I’m happy to be with you when you call.” When they’re ready, they should contact a charity like Advance, where support is available, independent domestic violence advocates (IDVAs) can provide safe, women-only spaces, help them work through their situation, look at where help is needed (housing, mental health, finances, etc.), build their confidence and self-esteem, help them create a new support network – and, if they want to leave the relationship, measures can be put in place to help them make a safe exit.