Refresh your connection, uncover what’s working, and take action to strengthen your bond

Every relationship can benefit from a little extra care now and again. Whether it’s belly laughing with your bestie or deepening intimacy with your partner, taking time to celebrate your strengths, while spotting areas that need a boost, can lead to a deeper connection.

“Relationships, like anything we value in life, need communication and nurturing to work,” explains psychotherapeutic counsellor Ellie Rowland-Callanan. “We accept our careers or fitness goals require effort, showing up, and training, so why shouldn’t our relationships be prioritised in the same way?”

What is a relationship audit?

A relationship audit isn’t just a box ticking exercise. It’s a powerful way to reflect honestly on what’s working and, more importantly, what isn’t.

When done well, it can create space for both partners to feel seen, heard, and understood. So, how can you get started?

Set the stage

Before diving in, clarify your intentions. Are you looking for more time together? Better communication? More intimacy? When you’re ready to talk, use calm and inviting language with your partner, for example, you might say: “I’d love for us to chat about how we’re doing as a couple, because I want to keep building on what we have.”

Choose your timing and setting carefully, avoiding stressful or busy moments. A quiet evening when the kids are asleep, or a slow Sunday morning are both great options. The goal is to create an environment where you both feel relaxed, happy, comfortable, and ready to connect on a deeper level.

Connection over criticism

First, home-in on what you do well as a couple, whether that’s co-parenting, sharing chores, or enjoying a thriving sex life. From there, gently touch on pillars that you feel shape a healthy partnership, such as communication, conflict resolution, trust, intimacy, future goals, and shared values.

Focus on one area at a time, remembering that the goal isn’t to ‘fix’ everything, but to deepen your relationship through shared reflections. You might use the following prompts to spark conversation:

  • How would you rate us in this area out of 10?
  • What do you need from me that you might not be getting at the moment?
  • What do I already do that makes you feel loved, respected, or supported?
  • What patterns (positive or negative) do you notice in how we handle things in this area?
  • What would ‘ideal’ look like for you in this area?
  • What small steps could we take together to move closer to that ideal?

Ellie says: “Think about what connects you, as opposed to what divides you. Consider what brought you together in the first place – these differences can create excitement and passion.”

Keep it manageable

A relationship audit doesn’t happen in a day – it’s a process that happens over time. Breaking it down into smaller check‑ins across days, or weeks, can make it less overwhelming. Some couples may also find it helpful to take notes to revisit later after some personal reflection. If emotions run high, pause and return when you both feel calmer. However you approach it, always close on a positive note by sharing something you appreciate about each other.

When your answers don’t seem to add up

It’s completely normal if your perspectives aren’t the same. This doesn’t necessarily signal trouble, it just shows you’re two people with different needs. In fact, these differences can be an invitation to grow closer. If things do feel challenging, try this listening exercise: set a timer for five minutes while one partner shares and the other simply listens – then switch. It might feel odd, but giving each other space to talk openly often leads to surprising insights, and less reactive responses.

Stay accountable, grow together

An audit is most effective when it becomes a regular habit, instead of a one-off chat. Create a rhythm of check-ins, whether it’s weekly, monthly, or quarterly. Even a quick chat while the kettle boils can make a meaningful difference. Use gentle prompts such as, “Is there anything we need to adjust this week?” or “What’s one thing I can support you with?” These questions keep the dialogue flowing without adding any unnecessary pressure.

At its core, it’s a choice to invest in each other with intention. Once you’ve had the first conversation, consider setting a date for your next check‑in, whether in six months or a year. Together, decide what you’d like to focus on next and set more goals, so that you can look back and appreciate how far you’ve come.