Sometimes called a ‘vulnerability hangover’, have you ever felt overwhelming anxiety over a sentiment you shared with others? Whether it’s an anecdote, thought, or feeling, regretting your candidness can be a common experience, but perhaps we can change our outlook on oversharing…
We’ve all been there; you’re at a party or out with friends, and say something in the moment that suddenly fills you with dread the next day. You worry you’ve embarrassed yourself by sharing something so deeply personal. You’re consumed by catastrophising and overthinking, concerned people will think less of you or be ashamed of you for what you spoke about. So how do we break out of this cycle of shame? What if the answer is that oversharing isn’t always bad, it’s just altering our perspective on opening up, or creating an environment to do so, that needs to change?
Why does oversharing make us feel embarrassed?
While mental wellbeing advocates have long-heralded the benefits of opening up and being honest about our thoughts, feelings, and experiences (when we’re comfortable to do so), in practice it’s often easier said than done. We might feel silly for disclosing something intimate, and second-guess whether we should have. Being in such a vulnerable position can cause us to overthink in the aftermath, fixating on what the person or people we were talking to now think of us. Are they judging us, ridiculing us, or no longer want to spend time with us? We might feel the need to fix the situation somehow, and that can often lead to more oversharing, because when we’re anxious we can often end up blurting out more than we expected to, or sharing all this with someone we didn’t plan to. Realistically, it’s not even what we said that’s the issue, it’s all the uncertainty and unknowns – essentially other people and their thoughts – that cause us anxiety.
What causes us to overshare?
There can be a myriad of reasons and circumstances that lead to an episode of oversharing, just a few of these scenarios include...
Alcohol
Socialising can be anxiety-inducing and challenging. In these situations, some people may turn to alcohol to numb their senses, or in an attempt to boost confidence, but, inevitably, alcohol makes us feel less inhibited which naturally leads to oversharing – and the potential regret that follows.
Loneliness
When we feel lonely or isolated, more often than not, we might try to speed up a relationship in order to form those deeper connections we’re missing.
Anxiety
When socialising in an anxious state, we may worry that we’re not engaging enough, or feel the other person is losing interest in the conversation. So, in order to gain that interest, we might overshare.
Further to this, anxiety can make people more sensitive to rejection. Anxious attachment is categorised as having low self-esteem, and a strong fear of rejection or abandonment. This need for safety in relationships can lead to oversharing to create stronger bonds with others.
Neurodivergence
Anxiety and neurodivergence are commonly linked, so we may overshare for fear of feeling left out. Additionally, people who are neurodivergent may find it difficult to read a room – they may not know when to share and when not to share something intimate about themselves. Those who are autistic, for instance, might not pick up on social nuances which neurotypical people take for granted, such as boundaries and what they are comfortable talking about, if these haven’t been expressly communicated. With ADHD, people can be more impulsive, so can be more likely to overshare in social situations by responding and talking instinctively.
Can oversharing be a positive experience?
Regret and overthinking post-event are what leave us doubting the experience, but oversharing isn’t always a negative trait. Opening ourselves up by being vulnerable and honest can help us make deeper connections with like-minded people.
As an example, if someone has been vulnerable with you, returning the sentiment can bring them comfort, validating their openness by putting yourselves both out there, trusting each other, and creating a safe space to do so.
Another factor at play can be that neurodivergent people often speak in statements, rather than questions. To some, this can come across as rude, but most of the time it’s a way of expressing interest or solidarity with what’s been said. This can seem like the person is oversharing, but instead, all that’s happening is they’re trying to make a connection with the person they’re speaking to.
For friendship groups that value this type of communication, oversharing can be seen as an asset and encouraged as a powerful tool for creating stronger bonds. When boundaries are put in place that everyone understands and are aware of, then you can safely share without the worry and anxiety that you’ve said something wrong, or second-guessing yourself.
How to make oversharing work for you
We all communicate differently, and we should embrace this individuality. So, if oversharing is a trait you know you lean into at times, it can help you to feel more comfortable in the aftermath if you’re upfront about this.
For those who are neurodivergent, this can mean telling someone directly about how you communicate. When meeting someone new, or whenever you feel it’s appropriate, you might want to acknowledge that you sometimes overshare. People respect honesty, and being open from the beginning will make for less awkward moments as you interact. Something that can help in these introductory chats is asking people about their boundaries, if you’re unsure. Know that it’s OK to get a full picture of a social situation, if you don’t know the rules and cues.
With social anxiety, chances are you could be speaking to someone who feels the same way, or who can at least empathise. Before sharing, acknowledge how the person speaking was feeling about the story they shared. If the person feels they have been heard and listened to, and you understand the emotional impact of what they’ve shared, they’ll be much more receptive to you sharing with them.
And in situations where you begin noticing that pit in your stomach of regret or embarrassment about oversharing, talk about it with the person you just opened up to. It could be as simple as acknowledging it, which can diffuse any tension you feel and resolve any awkwardness.
Being vulnerable can be a scary thing, especially if it happens in circumstances we weren’t expecting. But awareness of our habits, and the need to open up, can help us to create a safer environment for not only ourselves, but those around us, to share as well. So, perhaps moving forwards, oversharing doesn’t need to be a habit to be hated, but rather a weight off your mind.
Comments