Consider yourself a skilled conversation starter? Think again..

New research published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology explores the concept of  ‘boomerasking’ – the phenomenon that may have you thinking you’re a great conversationalist when actually, you’re not making the best impression.

The paper, comprising eight studies and carried out by Alison Wood Brooks at Harvard Business School and Michael Yeomans at Imperial College London, found that 90% of respondents had either doled out or received a boomerask.

What is boomerasking?

We've all been there: a friend asks a question and before you've barely had a chance to respond, they're chomping at the bit to tell you their answer. That's when you realise, the question was loaded – you've been boomerasked.

The boomerask is a subtle, yet grating, way of starting or steering a conversation to meet your own needs. It’s kind of like a trick question (although not necessarily intentional) that creates an opportunity for you to say something that’s on your mind, without truly wanting to hear what the other person has to say.

Two key motives in conversations include responsiveness (showing interest by asking follow-up questions or acknowledging viewpoints) and disclosure (about oneself), which can act as a symbol of closeness. According to this research, boomerasking is a failed attempt at both of these things: “While asking a question suggests that the asker is interested in their partner and will be responsive to their partner’s answer, an immediate disclosure reveals that the suggestion of responsiveness may have been insincere.”

Upon further investigation, the team identified three main categories of boomerasks:

  • Ask-bragging: This involves asking a question with the intention of bragging in their own response. E.g. 'Did you enjoy your chip shop lunch?' 'I ate my homemade soup and fresh fruit because I’m on a health kick. I’m feeling fabulous!'

  • Ask-complaining: This is similar to the above, except the question leaves the person open to freely complain with their response. E.g. 'How are you today?' 'I’m loaded with the cold, my boiler is broken, and I’ve got the dentist tomorrow. Sucks to be me.'

  • Ask-sharing: This is when someone asks a question, allows you to respond, then ignores your answer to share their own opinion. E.g. 'What music would you like to listen to?' 'Let’s just put on some upbeat pop, that’ll cheer me up.'

Close circles are where boomerasks happen the most

The research revealed that most boomerasks happened between friends, a quarter between romantic partners, another quarter between coworkers, and 17% with family members. Relatively few happened during conversations with an acquaintance or other relationship, meaning that often this type of interaction happens with people we see on a regular basis, making it potentially harder to avoid.

The problem with boomerasking

It’s worth noting that although people who experienced a boomerask reported these interactions as less pleasant, more irritating, and less enjoyable, the boomeraskers also mistakenly believed that both people had an equally enjoyable time.

In a series of online studies featuring hypothetical conversations, participants reported perceiving boomeraskers as less sincere than those who disclose personal information in a more straightforward way. They also noted that they simply liked boomeraskers less – ouch.

People were less likely to want to interact with a boomerasker in the future, but felt that their own boomerasks would be received more favourably than straightforward disclosures – which suggests that we may not be as self-aware as we’d like to think.

It seems that many of us have a tendency to believe that if we boomerask as a way to disclose a piece of personal information, it will be better received than simply making the statement we wish to make. Yet when we are faced with a boomerask, we see the asker as egocentric, uninterested, and insincere.

In response to their findings, the researchers say: "Communicators who ask sincere questions and listen to their partners' answers can uncover deeper, more supportive conversations and relationships," they write, "but people should avoid turning the focus of a conversation back to themselves before showing interest in their partner's answer."

How to improve conversation skills

At Happiful, we've got a wealth of resources that can help make your social interactions more meaningful. Here are some helpful articles:

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