Welcome to Anxiety on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of living with anxiety. In this edition, Kushie talks about how city life is affecting her mental health
Kushie Amin as told to Fiona Fletcher Reid
Monday morning started with scrolling on social media, and the news about the US election result was not great. It’s been making me anxious and quite despairing, like nothing’s getting better. It just made me feel a lot of anger and frustration. My job is in communications, and I work from home most of the week, so I went outside for some fresh air and that helped. But I have my period this week, and I have premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) which makes my emotions intense, so I just accepted it was going to be one of those weeks.
On Tuesday, it was hard to get out of bed. I felt lost and unsure of myself. I think I was still impacted by the news and feeling in shock. My morning walk to the office takes me on a route through a park; I love the peace and quiet, but today a dog ran up and jumped on me, barking in my face. I’m terrified of dogs, so that gave me a fright. I started screaming, which was embarrassing! And I was angry at the dog owner, who seemed so casual about it.
Being around my colleagues boosted my mood and calmed me down, though I still felt edgy. That evening, I had dinner with my family and chatted to my sister about my day. A sense of community is something that is really important to me. Sometimes, I get frustrated and think I’d like to live alone, but I’m grateful to have family around. In 2023, I took eight months out of work and lived in a small town in France. Being away helped my anxiety because it gave me perspective. It was nothing like London – no busy traffic or large crowds. Everyone knew everyone, and that was very calming.
On Wednesday I was working in the office. It’s near a university campus, which I enjoy because I’m a big people watcher, and it gives me time to reflect. London can feel so fast-paced and isolating. Many of my close friends live outside of London or abroad, and today I found myself longing for France, remembering how easy it was to just walk down the road and meet a friend. My life feels like a rinse and repeat: going to work, going for a walk. I think I need to get better at planning things into my week to make life more enjoyable. It’s very different from when I was living abroad and felt a real sense of community. The cost of travelling to see friends is another worry. I’m often trying to find ways to socialise without spending money. These anxious thoughts are why I end up not doing much, even though I know it would help my mental health.
On Thursday I slept until 9am because I was working from home. When I get a good amount of sleep, I feel so much better. I’ve got a good bedtime routine, I take magnesium, and read to stop myself from scrolling on my phone. I’ve found new ways to cope with my anxiety because, in the past, I used to cope by endlessly ordering takeaway food. But with the cost of living crisis, I’m watching every penny. Making sure I’m saving money is another source of anxiety, so today I bought things from the supermarket to make avocado on toast. It felt good knowing I was saving money and eating well.
On Friday, I had to talk myself into doing a lunchtime fitness class. I could have easily stayed in bed, but it helped me get rid of the anxious energy. The gym feels like a space where no one is watching me – it’s just me in my head, but in a good way. The trainers at my gym are amazing because they speak in motivational words of affirmation, and never about weight loss. They focus on helping you feel the best version of yourself.
That evening, I went to an event discussing the US election result, and the experts on the panel felt similar to me – confused and helpless. It made me feel less alone. I even met a nice woman and we exchanged details, hoping to get coffee together soon.
One thing I’ve noticed this week is how much the news impacts my anxiety. I carry that weight with me always. I’m trying to stay engaged, but also trying to know when to switch off. I realised I’m hibernating a lot and could be making more plans, instead of spending too much time in my own head. Thankfully, Saturday and Sunday were calmer. I’m conscious of not falling into old patterns of scrolling social media all day. I journaled and allowed myself to rest. I definitely get the ‘Sunday scaries’ – and I’m already dreading the week ahead – but I’m learning to manage them.
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