Think that your sex life will evaporate as you age? Sex coach Ruth Ramsay explains how to spice things up in this season of life…

Menopause: a time for women to wave goodbye to pleasure in the bedroom, right? Well, not exactly. In fact, the second half of your sexual life has the potential to be more vibrant, varied, and satisfying than the first.

It’s undeniable that many women experience decreased libido as they go through perimenopause and menopause. A 2020 study of sexual desire levels in more than 10,000 women, published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, found that libido tends to taper off as women age and, for some, this doesn’t represent a problem, but for one third of women aged 40–65, it’s a cause of distress.

That’s a lot of unhappy women – and by extension, unhappy relationships. I know this in my work as a sex coach, where the typical age of the women who reach out to me is mid-to-late 40s. Many are terrified their otherwise-happy marriages are under threat from their dwindling desire.

The good news is there is lots you can do to improve the situation, and discover a new era of pleasure that evolves over time.

Take care downstairs

Changing hormone levels can dry out your intimate tissues. Keep your vulva (the outside, visible parts) and vagina (the internal canal) healthy and supple with gynaecologist-approved vaginal moisturisers, or over-the-counter and prescription treatments. Use body-safe lubricants during sexual play, such as from the brand YES Organic. If you’re experiencing pain, burning, or the sensation of micro-cuts, please see your GP as soon as you can – there are treatments which can help you.

Set the scene

As you move away from ‘spontaneous desire’ (where we may fancy sex out of the blue) to ‘responsive desire’ (when we must be in a sexually appealing scenario to start wanting it), you’ll need to approach sex differently. Dedicate time to setting the scene, connecting with yourself (and partner, if you’re not playing solo), and encouraging arousal. You could start by going for a walk to think about, or talk over, your day – then put it to rest. This is a good first step to de-stress. Then, you could shower with luxurious bodywash, use soft bedroom lighting, and read or listen to erotic fiction (check out the Quinn app if you’re curious). This is not about being ‘contrived’, it’s working with the science of arousal.

Explore your changing body

Your old favourite moves may not feel so great any more, but on the flipside, things which felt ‘meh’ before may now feel exquisite. Explore your whole body, touching areas you haven’t touched intentionally for a long time. If you have a partner, this is an intimate game to play: “Where have I not touched you in years?” You may find the backs of your knees, your neck, or your forearms are super-sensitive, and that being stroked there relaxes and arouses you.

Try self-pleasure

Intimate self-pleasure is great for genital health, bringing blood flow and lubrication to the tissues. A recent survey of 1,500 American adults, conducted by The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University in partnership with the Lovehoney Group, found that 36% of menopausal women reported improvement in genital symptoms through masturbation.

Self-pleasure also teaches you about your changing needs – you may have liked a soft touch on your clitoris when you were younger, but discover that now harder pressure feels better. If you’ve never used sex toys, be open to giving them a try. Modern toys are beautifully designed, and provide sensations which a body simply can’t, and there’s no shame in enjoying it! I’ve coached women who have experienced orgasm for the first time in midlife thanks to innovations in toy technology – look for ‘air pulse’ or ‘pleasure air’ clitoral toys as a tip.

Prioritise play

Explore your fantasies and what actually turns you on, not what you have been told ‘should’ work for you. Dive into audio erotica, sex education series (Netflix’s The Principles Of Pleasure is a good starting point), and books such as Gillian Anderson’s collection of women’s sexual fantasies, Want. Don’t be afraid to actively schedule intimate playtime. For my husband and I, scheduling intimacy is key to nurturing our sex life. This doesn’t mean agreeing ahead of time to sexual acts; rather, to creating the time and space for desire to arise.

Still struggling? Keep in mind that this phase of life won’t last forever. I’ve worked with many women in their 70s and even 80s who are exploring sexual pleasure, and many tell me that in their 50s, they assumed they’d never experience desire again. Rather than label yourself ‘past it’, consider yourself to be taking a break. Our libido ebbs and flows throughout our lives, and your best sex could still be ahead of you.