For when things feel as though they’re piling up, and you’re struggling to cope, here are some self-compassion tips to help work on your resiliency

Do you know of anyone who has not felt their level of resiliency tested to some degree lately? Nope? Me neither – and, in my role as a psychotherapist, I have also seen the devastating effects of weakened resilience.

Resiliency is the ability to ‘bounce back’ from a destabilising event, yet I would describe it as ‘bouncing forward’ rather than a return to how things were before. But maintaining overall wellbeing is a crucial part of resiliency – so, grab yourself a notebook and follow these steps...

1. Join the dots

All too often, the warning signs are there: the overall feeling of being frazzled; tasks feel harder to complete; concentration levels are impaired; changes in sleep patterns; increased or lessened eating and drinking; social interactions are affected or avoided; and the usual self-care activities seemingly have less impact than before. It’s not unusual for us to struggle on through, even when there are a number of warning signs that are being ignored or simply not recognised.

I suggest that you take a moment, each day, to take stock. Ask yourself: what are the physical and psychological symptoms I am experiencing, and how severe – out of 10 – are they? Do this every day, and ask: what is this telling you? Where are the ‘hot spots’ that need immediate attention? Start to join the dots, and you’ll get a real picture of your resiliency level.


2. Assess your priorities

Feeling overwhelmed is really common when frazzled. Everything can feel important and urgent – we can feel pulled in a number of directions, yet are unable to focus on one thing. Stop, take a breath, and take some time to work out your priorities – what actually needs to be completed today?

Have a think about the areas that you are concerned about, compared with the areas that you actually influence — they may be very different! To help explain this, visualise a fried egg. The ‘white’ is the area of concern, the ‘yolk’ is your area of influence. The ‘white’ is much bigger than the yolk, and we can often spend a lot of energy focusing on the ‘white’ – the issues we are concerned about. But, in reality, you may be able to do very little about these things. Instead, clarify the ‘yolk’ issues, and prioritise spending energy on these.

3. Lower your expectations

Lowering our expectations can be challenging when we feel frazzled, and we can ‘keep on, keepin’ on’ rather than being self-compassionate. Adopt the mantra of being ‘good enough’ and use it across the board, for work and for home. Give yourself permission to reduce your expectations of yourself, and others, to a level that feels bearable, but allows you time to re-centre.

"Make a note of people that you would place on your personal ‘resilience board of directors’"

4. Dial-up the self-care

Define how you are going to turn the volume up on your self-care, and make a commitment to stick to it. It can be useful to be ‘held accountable’, so share your plans with a friend or colleague, invite them to do the same, and check-in with each other to see that you have achieved what you planned.

No time for self-care? Do you have 10 minutes? Write down a list of the activities you can do in 10 minutes (such as stretching, or enjoying a peaceful, warm drink), then timetable three of them into your diary and commit to doing them. That’s 30 minutes of self-care, each day. And on days when even that feels like too much, you can always find just 30 seconds or a minute to close your eyes, breathe deeply, and focus on the moment at hand.

5. Connections are key

Examine and evaluate the nourishing and toxic relationships in your life. Toxic relationships deplete your energy. If you are feeling frazzled, I urge you to protect your energy. Ask yourself, will I come away from seeing this person feeling drained or nourished?

Make a note of people that you would place on your personal ‘resilience board of directors’ – the people that add to your life, who contribute to you feeling uplifted and balanced. Nurture these relationships, and ask for help when you need it.

To connect with a counsellor, or to learn more about emotional resilience, visit